Deciphering leadership psychobabble

Posted: April 27th, 2009 | Author: | Tags: , | 8 Comments »

Last week 3,000 church leaders met in California to tell each other how to run a cutting-edge church. Tony Morgan helpfully provided a rundown of their best advice.

As a public service, I offer this translation of what they said.

  • Twayer = Twitter + Prayer. 141-character prayers are too ostentatious.
  • Polarize people. You should read Pajama Pages every day.
  • Don’t worry, be crappy. Mission Accomplished!
  • If you define your organization by what you currently do, you’ll miss the next curve. Though if the count is 3-0, you should be taking the pitch.
  • Are there two or three words that can define your church? Abbreviating your profanity helps.
  • Make a mantra. Repeat after me: The vision is not a mantra. The vision is not a mantra. The vision is not a mantra.
  • Guy has permission to use “suck” and “crappy” in this talk. We have a way cool boss!
  • Churn baby, churn. Enemas are so refreshing.
  • What would happen if all of us chose to live heroic lives? There’d be no-one to rescue.
  • We can awaken God-given dreams inside others. Apparently, God went to sleep.
  • I will always be uncertain. I’m certain of it. Cognitive dissonance doesn’t bother me; it makes ministry easier.
  • As a leader, it is okay to be uncertain but it’s not okay to be unclear. We don’t know what we’re doing, but we insist that you follow us.
  • You can be clear even when you’re uncertain. I wash my windows with mud.
  • Where is the vision conflicting with the plan? Sacrifice the plan for the vision. Can you believe they pay me to say this stuff?
  • No decision is ever sacred, but the vision never changes. Yes, the vision is sacred.
  • The church has become more of a prison than a portal. We want to be less like Prison Break and more like Star Trek. Live long and prosper!
  • There has never been one ordinary child born on this planet. You’re all extraordinary like everyone else.
  • You may agree or disagree. I don’t really care a whole lot. Actually, we really hate it when you disagree, especially when you’re on staff. Forget I said that.
  • We have to redefine the win. We can’t lose.
  • I was driven by the numbers. We really admire AIG.
  • You can offer free beer and draw a crowd. Next week, we start our new series, Believers and Budweiser.
  • We can do more together. Yes, we can! Yes, we can!
  • Build your church on what you’re about and not what you’re not about. Say what you mean and not what you don’t mean.
  • My pastor says your pastor doesn’t preach the Truth. Your pastor is very discerning.
  • I was taught the church should be a safe place, but I’m learning the church should be dangerous again. Henceforth the sanctuary will be decorated like one of those Deadliest Catch boats.
  • I dropped out of cemetery. I didn’t even finish. It’s a mystery that will be featured on CSI next week.
  • The kid said, ‘I want to go back to the damn church.’ I said, ‘Get his name because he’s going to be on staff someday. We have a very brief application form.
  • Only when we surrender do we experience the supernatural. God could use a hand.
  • Cheese biscuits bring you closer to God. If my sermon doesn’t work, drop by Bojangles on your way home.
  • God said, ‘I need you to feel what I feel, so you can do what I need you to do.’ No, you can’t see my special Bible!
  • I don’t want to preach nice sermons. Life is easy when you set achievable goals.
  • If you walked up to me and said ‘I like you but your wife is ugly,’ I’d punch you in the throat. Email is safer.
  • If you’ve been called to ministry, God’s hand is on you. The rest of you can fend for yourselves.
  • Hey man, have you seen my Twitter? Narcissists R Us. Alerting you to my every hunger pang makes me feel special.
  • God said, ‘I don’t like those people either, Perry.’ You STILL can’t see my special Bible.
  • We don’t know what we’re doing. Betcha didn’t know that. I wish I’d gone to seminary.

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8 Comments on “Deciphering leadership psychobabble”

  1. 1 B. Rink said on April 27th, 2009:

    You totally missed the point. It’s Red Lobster, not Bojangles for the cheese biscuits. That just throws the whole post off.

  2. 2 James Duncan said on April 27th, 2009:

    I’m red faced.

  3. 3 Albert said on April 27th, 2009:

    “Twayer = Twitter + Prayer”

    Corporate prayer can now be sent to everyone’s cell phones during church!

  4. 4 Albert said on April 27th, 2009:

    that way congregants wont feel so bad about looking at their phones during prayer

  5. 5 Tommy F. said on April 27th, 2009:

    Two things:

    1) I’ve been thinking about this whole “I wish Paul had twitter” point of view. First, twitter is absurd. Do people have nothing better to do than write: “I’m HUNGRY!!!!!!”? And the better question, do the readers await the next post … “Oh Goody…. Here it comes… Oh! Ace is hungry.” Get. A. Life. People.

    BTW: what’s with twitter user’s obsession with using up their allotted characters with !!!!! … ?

    2) I’ve also thought about how absurd it is to think about twitter and prayer = twayer. I’ve been thinking it’s absurd, so I set out to prove it. Here’s my attempt. I imagine others will/can come up with an even better twayer…

    The Lord’s Prayer (or Disciples’ or Model prayer) twitter-style. In other words the Matt 6 “twayer”:
    6:9: UpstairsGod, whose name is freakin’ awesome!!!!!
    6:10: B King here, as there
    6:11: Give me lunch. I’m hungry!!!!!!!!!
    6:12: 4giveme, I 4give them
    6:13: lead & deliver me!!!!!
    6:14-15: I 4giveu, so God will 4giveme!!!!!
    6:15: If not, I’m screwed.

    Here’s the non-twitter friendly version (ESV):
    9 Pray then like this:
    “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.
    10 Your kingdom come, your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
    11 Give us this day our daily bread,
    12and forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
    13And lead us not into temptation,
    but deliver us from evil.
    14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,
    15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

  6. 6 James Duncan said on April 27th, 2009:

    A quick note to the Twitter set:

    Tommy’s version of the Lord’s Prayer is parody. That means it’s a joke.

    You shouldn’t actually use it.

    (Tommy, you’re wrong. If the Lord’s Prayer had really been done with Twitter, we’d have only got 6:11. Three or four times a day.)

  7. 7 Tommy F. said on April 27th, 2009:

    You are right. I’ve been reading Ace’s twitter through your site. I wonder if he knows how hysterical it is – And I don’t mean that in a good way. This guy needs a sponsor for his food habits. I’m thinking this would work well: “I’m HUNGRY!!!! — This tweet brought to you by Zaxby’s”

    BTW: for anyone who cares (and I hope you don’t): I’m freakin’ HUNGRY!!! Gotta Eat!!! HUNGER PANGS -AAHHHHH!!!

    Wow – see what’s happening? This whole CAPS and !!!! thing is wearing off on me.

  8. 8 Tommy F. said on April 27th, 2009:

    I missed these the first time through & I’ve provided a reaction rather than a translation:

    1) “I dropped out of cemetery. I didn’t even finish.”
    Yes, we know. It explains a lot.

    2) “Hey man, have you seen my Twitter?
    You show me yours, I’ll show you mine.

    3) “We don’t know what we’re doing.”
    Yes, we know. It explains a lot.